async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"> The Wrestling Chronicle: Emil Jay's Tuesday Night Titans Review - 6/12/84

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Emil Jay's Tuesday Night Titans Review - 6/12/84


As the clock strikes midnight and Christmas Day comes to a close, I figure it’s a perfect time to sit down and get acquainted with some more of my favorite wrestling programming of all time. Considering I’ve spent a good portion of the day drinking champagne, white wine and beer, I’m going to pop a tall dog of the finest PBR and press play on…


WWF Tuesday Night Titans
1984.06.12


The God Emcee Lord Al tells us Fred Blassie, Salvatore Bellomo, Big John Studd, and Mister Fuji will be joining himself and Vince Jr along with a special feature on Mister Wonderful, Paul Orndorff.

This week Vinnie Mac introduces Lord Alfred as being “without a doubt, one of her majesty’s crown jewels” which is a considerable step up in terms of relative reputation from the first episode’s comparison to IDI AMIN. My jury is still out, however, on how much more apt of a comparison this is, considering Lord Al’s threatening of the mail man on the last episode.


Paul Orndorff v. Special Delivery Jones (not JIP)

This match is NOT joined in progress and that is a shock to my system. There is also a multitude of “Paula” signs in the crowd and that makes me laugh for reasons some of you may or may not know. I’m also unwilling to elaborate at this juncture, so figure it out. The referee has heard it from “everybody” that Orndorff is “Mr. Wonderful” during the robe removal bantering. Good to hear he has established his brand. An old lady is holding a rubber chicken upside down in the crowd and Grandma Packer Hogan has never looked better. Orndorff is in control after getting tossed around early, but he’s being a lousy cheater about it. The bell-bottom wearing official is admonishing him heavily. What a jerk. As SD comes back, this crowd is becoming UNHINGED and I’m freakin fuckin jazzed about it. Doesn’t last for long though, as Orndorff gets him with a piledriver and wins the match, then proceeds to rub himself of the sweat of his Antiguan arch-nemesis (at least for one night).


Paul Orndorff at the Gymnasium

“You will never have a body like me. I have the most gorgeous body there is in professional wrestling, in bodybuilding, whatever… in everything!” – Paul being really, really modest.
“Obviously, you need to quit eating,” Paul says to a thicker lady, thus bodying me in the process. What a gem.
“The best thing you can do is not even come into a gym” – says the best personal trainer and motivator of all time: Paul Orndorff.
“This is what the most wonderfullest body looks like”
Orndorff then walks up to the lady he told to quit eating and berates her. Then tells her that she needs to work on her pecs and that her husband will love big pecs. “Most fat women that I know don’t have all their teeth”
Basically Paul is walking around this gym in really tiny shorts with a really defined dick and balls outline shitting on everybody who has signed up for his personal training. While this may sound like a negative review, I’d actually rate this at least four stars on Amazon marketplace.
I’m really happy about the way the gymnasium is painted. There’s a bunch of weirdo designs on the walls of this place and it looks like a place I want to hang out in while doing drugs or something. Certainly not working out. I don’t know how to do that.

Next…
Bellomo & Boats
And I can’t wait.

Guest: Salvatore Bellomo

Vince and Sal discuss the differences between European and American wrestling and I can’t imagine a conversation like that EVER happening on modern day sports entertainment programming.

Salvatore Bellomo v. Ron Shaw

These guys are having a wrestling match. Salvatore does this really awesome move dropping his bodyweight down on Shaw’s legs. I liked it. Big crossbody block by Bellomo on Shaw for the finish and then Okerlund calls a sign “graffiti” in order to stay continuously relevant in the 80s.

Back in the studio, Vince and Salvatore discuss Salvatore’s hobby of building ships with “scrap paper” and could you imagine Michael Cole and Darren Young discussing some of his hobbies outside of the ring on television? What a world the early to mid 80s were. They go to a table where Salvatore Bellomo is going to construct a ship out of WWF Magazine pages and string. I’m actually impressed because it looks really good.

Ivan Putski v. Roddy Piper

This is the feature match of this edition of TNT from Madison Square Garden. Piper has a shoot Scottish bagpipe and drum band play him out to the ring and the crowd fucking hates it. I love it. These New York degenerates need some culture in their lives. I bet everybody who was giving this kilt wearing musicians guff (and are still alive) have shirts that say “love it or leave it” on them. When the action finally gets going, it’s a full on hockey fight looking brawl and I’m super into it. Once Putski starts beating the shit out of Piper, the band comes back and starts playing and this turns into a New Jack match and I’m so happy and I just want to keep writing this sentence by using the word and over and over again. And. The match ends a minute or two later when Putski punched the ref in the mouth when he was firing back. This match was fantastic. I give it about four thousand stars.

As Alfred and Vince discuss the match, the sack of mail again gets thrown into the studio and it hits the desk. “You have the most irresponsible mailmen I’ve ever seen here. No wonder dogs chase them,” says Lord Alfred as he continues his dislike for the United States Postal Service.

Lord Al Does The Mail

A letter from White Plains, NY asks if Captain Lou is going to manage the Wild Samoans again and if the Hulkster is ever going to give a title shot to Don Muraco.
From San Diego, a lady fan wants to know if Hulk Hogan ever wrestled at the Olympic Auditorium in LA about 5 years and if he played guitar in a band.
Great letters.

Guest: Classy Freddie Blassie

“He couldn’t have done it without me” – Fred Blassie talking about his accomplishments vis a vis God’s involvement.

Freddie Blassie v. Baron Leone (JIP)

We go to some black and white film footage of Blassie where the “yessir we promised you a great main event” soundbite from the beginning of WWE identification openings came from. Baron Leone also does a couple of mini powerbombs in this match. Awesome leg scissors and reversal segment in this match. “We’re 10 minutes into the first round” says the commentator and I have no idea what that could even mean. OOOOOH as the referee counts the three on the finish (after locomotion snapmares and a neckbreaker) the commentator says it was a 2/3 falls match and that makes a whole lot more sense. This match is kind of a lot more historic than anybody really would have thought, if only for that soundbite. 6 thumbs up.

Back in the studio, Blassie shows off the Pacific Coast Heavyweight Title which was retired when he moved east and they discussed how badly he wanted the WWF Heavyweight Title, but how he never got it until he led The Iron Sheik to it in late December 1983. Vince then kicks it to footage of Hulk Hogan winning the title from the Sheik on January 23, 1984. “This is when we were jobbed out of the title” says Blassie, much to my delight. We then learn that Freddie Blassie has been decreed the “Ayatollah of America” which is a gimmick I have to steal for Dojo Wars. As they finish their conversation a GONG sounds which only means one thing…

Guest: Mister Fuji

“Bellomo-san, what’s a matter you? You wanna build boats and hats, you have no girlfriend. You no go on dates! I feel soooo sorry for you Bellomo-san. Home. Everyday build boat. Ugh, Japanese call… sissy!” – Mister Fuji says to Bellomo as he’s building his rather impressive scrap paper WWF Magazine boat ship. What a dick.

Mister Fuji v. Nick DeCarlo

Nick DeCarlo looks like a friend of mine’s dad from when I was growing up. Vince uses the word “obsequious” on commentary so this is at least a 200 star match already. The match was short and Fuji won with a Vader Bomb.

Americans suffering makes Mister Fuji giggle. Mister Fuji is all the way turnt up about Americans suffering and he’s really happy about it. He then introduces his surprise which is a geisha girl dancing to what I’m assuming is traditional Japanese music. What a treat. They should have done this with Yoshi Tatsu on an episode of Superstars to make the 30 people who watch it care about him. When they come back from break, Lord Alfred and Vince are invited to Mister Fuji’s makeshift Japanese living room as the geisha girl removes Vince’s shoes and jacket and presents him with the kimono and traditional small Japanese socks. While this process is going on, Mister Fuji is explaining the Japanese customs and how it is an honor for his geisha girl to do these deeds for him and his friends. Mister Fuji then attempts to force Vince and Alfred to drink more sake, but the geisha girl spills it on Mister Fuji’s hand and he FREAKS OUT, resulting in karate chopping his small sake table.

Magnificent Muraco v. Billy Travis

This match is shown to show Mister Fuji’s prowess as a manager, but we all know he very rarely actually did anything of note as a manager so this is basically just a Magnificent Muraco match. A sign in the crowd says “get a job” which is weird considering this dude is holding it up at dudes who are professional wrestlers. Keyword being “professional” denoting it is their profession, their job. Super peculiar sign, man. The clip ends after Muraco misses a dropkick, which is really weird. He did do a really cool gutbuster and powerslam looking thing though from the part of the match we got to see.

Guest: Big John Studd

“How does it feel to shake a man’s hand huh?” – Big John upon shaking hands with Lord Al. I’m stealing it.

Big John Studd v. Salvatore Bellomo

I think Salvatore is still being a paper shipwright on the other side of the studio as they pitch to this match. I hope nothing happens between these two guys in the studio as a result from this match they are showing. I’m really nervous actually as I watch Big John saunter his way down the aisle and around ringside. Camera shows a sign made out of red construction paper and a ball point pen, really excellent sign quality. This is the most Salvatore Bellomo I have ever seen in one sitting. What a time to be alive. Bellomo gets too cute with a hammerlock and gets squashed in the corner. Finish comes when Studd punches Bellomo right near the junk during a ten punch in the corner, throws him to the mat and drops a big elbow.

They go back to the studio and I’m still really nervous about what might happen to the paper ship and NO SALVATORE DAMMIT don’t say “he was lucky” as Big John is talking. Please, my heart can’t take this. Luckily Big John has a heart and chooses to ignore it. Vince brings up Andre The Giant and Big John cuts a hell of a promo on him. I really like his hair, beard, and blazer combination. He’s like a giant sized Dennis Condrey and I’m a big fan of it. Tensions get really high when the concept of luck is brought up and Big John gets up to his feet and he starts going hard at EVERYONE and nearly tips over Bellomo’s boat! My god no! “Don’t you ever touch my boat.” You tell him Sal!

Jesse Ventura v. Ron Shaw (JIP)

We see what happens when someone doubts Jesse Ventura’s theories on HAARP in the backstage area as The Body takes it to the green undied Ron Shaw.

Rocky Johnson & Tony Atlas v. Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch

The fact that we’re not going to get to see this whole match really bothers me. Rocky is throwing all sorts of arm drags in the beginning and Adrian does a ONE HANDED CARTWHEEL. Fifteen stars already. Match footage ends as soon as Murdoch tags in and you cannot understand how sad I am to type that.

Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch v. Tony Garea & Special Delivery Jones (JIP)

Footage picks up with Garea in a Murdoch chinlock. Basically Adonis & Murdoch beat up Garea and his wonderful prison tattoo looking artwork.

They kick it over to Salvatore Bellomo who is almost finished with his boat and it looks awesome. The sails are made out of pictures of wrestlers from the WWF dirtsheet. Vince shows off the boat one last time and says good bye. I’ve never been more thrilled with a paper boat than I am right now.

I rate this episode 7/8 paper ships. Merry Christmas.

Check out last week's Tuesday Night Titans Review here.

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