async src="//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js"> The Wrestling Chronicle: Emil Jay's Tuesday Night Titans Review - 5/29/84

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Emil Jay's Tuesday Night Titans Review - 5/29/84


A lot of people do reviews of professional wrestling events and television shows. Nobody does reviews of Tuesday Night Titans. I am here to rectify this problem. There is now somebody who you can trust to deliver insight to quite possibly the greatest television show produced by the New York booking office.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Tuesday Night Titans, I am already judging you. It is the campiest, most splendid television show ever produced by Vince Junior. It starts out with a state of the art, technologically superior opening video with all sorts of blocky letters, still images, and short video clips superimposed over a galactic scene of the fiery burning stars lights years away among the vast nothingness of space. As we gaze into the heavens, we hear the voice of God himself, in the form of Lord Alfred Hayes, telling us who will be appearing on tonight’s telecast, hosted by the titan of sports entertainment himself, one Mister Vincent Kennedy McMahon. The show itself is much like a Tonight Show or a Late Show, akin to the programs hosted by legends like Craig Ferguson, Arsenio Hall, and Chevy Chase in years past. It would also feature video packages, vignettes, in studio talent exhibitions, and unfortunately sometimes matches. I say unfortunately because this is a wrestling show that is completely not about professional wrestling and the matches do not matter. This shouldn’t shock modern day viewers of World Wrestling Federation’s current offerings of Monday Night Raw (the longest running weekly episodic program in the history of television) and Main Event (on the award winning WWE Network), which are also wrestling shows completely not about professional wrestling, yet about 1/100 as good as Tuesday Night Titans from 30+ years ago. This will be the only time I compare myself to Kevin Dunn, as much like he treats the shows he’s responsible for producing, I do not care about the matches that take place during these shows I’m watching.

I should note that I’m going to do my best to review as I watch, a running commentary if you will. With that being said, ladies and gentlemen, let us start this wonderful journey back in time at the very beginning, the day after Memorial Day in 1984…

WWF Tuesday Night Titans
1984.05.29


We see the space motif, the words, the pictures and then we hear the booming voice of Lord Alfred Hayes…

On tonight’s show we will see: Captain Lou Albano, The Wild Samoans (Afa and Sika), The Inter-Continental Heavyweight Wrestling Champeen Tito Santana, and a “special feature” on John Stossel’s favorite professional athlete, Dr. D David Schultz.

We see Vince for the first time ever in the studios of Video One in suburban Baltimore, Maryland and his introduction to the show is legendary…

“Hello everyone. Welcome to Tuesday Night Titans. Indeed, this is a most unusual treatment of the World Wrestling Federation. This show, perhaps, possessing potential greatness from a number of standpoints, which we will speak of momentarily, but right now we would like to introduce to you one of the potential moments of greatness perhaps, it’s Britain’s answer to Idi Amin, my co-host indeed Lord Alfred Hayes!”

Lord Alfred then chuckles and claims he doesn’t know if he’s happy with that comparison to Idi Amin, probably because Wikipedia says Idi Amin and his rule was characterized by “human rights abuses, political repression, ethnic persecution, extrajudicial killings, nepotism, corruption, and gross economic mismanagement.” YES, THAT IS HOW VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON OPENED HIS VERY FIRST SHOW OF TUESDAY NIGHT TITANS. WITH THAT COMPARISON. LORD ALFRED HAYES IS BRITAIN’S ANSWER TO IDI AMIN!!! I mean, if you can’t understand why I’m excited to cover this show, just like, read something else on the internet. This is EXCELLENT and I’m only like 90 seconds into this show. After a bit of bantering about, Vince suggests the Wild Samoans are Idi Amin’s PROTEGES! This show is 18 minutes less than Seth Rollins’ average promo time during 2015 Monday Night Raws and is approximately one hundred thousand times better.

After going to commercial, they come back with the FEATURE MATCH as they start TNT with a BANG! But before they go to the video tape footage, both Vince and Alfred do a complete psychological breakdown of each of the two wrestlers including their strategies, strengths, weaknesses, and personality traits for nearly 2 minutes which makes a rather unimportant match actually MEAN something. Imagine that…

Paul Orndorff v. B. Brian Blair (JIP)
What we saw was a lot of fun. Vince McMahon and Gene Okerlund on commentary were a really fun tandem. For some reason Orndorff’s trunks have the initials “O.P.” embroidered on them and I begin to think he may use a good Jewish tailor who wishes to read everything right to left as he did when he became a man at the age of 13. Match concludes with a reversal of an O’Connor Roll with Paul Orndorff coming out on top with a handful of Blair’s undies. Crowd was hot, Orndorff was a dick, Blair was a fiery babyface fighting from underneath. I like my pro wrestles like that.

A House Call with Dr. D David Schultz
“First of all, he talks funny” – Lord Alfred Hayes, on Dr. D David Schultz, to Vince’s quizzical befuddlement.

We then go to Mean Gene in an all black room and a small WWF logo hanging up as he brings in Schultz for a hilarious interview. He basically claims to be on the cover of a Rolling Stone magazine (he was holding a WWF Program), tells Mean Gene to keep his hands off of it, then gives it to him less than a second later and tells him he’ll autograph it for him. Then he proclaims himself to be the school yard bully and threatens to beat up his own mother. Then he snaps at Gene for giving him time cues, barking “what are you touchin my leg for?!” It’s an amazing interview. I gave it five stars.

David Schultz v. Billy Travis (JIP)
David Schultz beats the shit out of Billy Travis, including doing what you might want to call a dropkick. Maybe. Schultz has hair like Dolph Ziggler didn’t ignore his roots and the referee has hair like a 40 year old female gym teacher. The more I look at him, the referee might actually be a 40 year old female gym teacher.

A House Call with Dr. D David Schultz (for real this time)
TNT cameras go to Schultz’s house, which looks to be a rustic log cabin. He is so excited to have the “television station” at his home and he starts bullying his kids and his really attractive wife who can’t keep a straight face at all. Apparently the crew is there to eat supper but dinner isn’t ready yet because he didn’t tell his hot wife the television station was coming over. David Schultz in this environment looks exactly like Jake Crist and it’s freaking me out. “I built this house with these mama’s right here” he says as he holds up his hands. I should note Schultz is wearing a red tank top and very short white Bermuda shorts as he nearly kills himself as he runs into his chandelier. There’s too many quotables to type. “What is this the city dump?!” he yells at his wife after looking in the sink. He then threatens to slap his kid and throws bread at his entire family. Oh by the way, his wife prepared fried chicken, pizza, peanut butter sandwiches and A1 for dinner with Dr. Pepper to drink. What an outstanding homemaker and culinary mastermind! Then he kicks the television station out of his house claiming they’re trying to make a fool out of him. This is outstanding. Another 15 stars for this segment. A reminder of my home life.

Guest: Tito Santana
He’s not happy with the way David Schultz treats his family. He can’t believe it. Then they talk about the winner of the Lunch with Your Favorite Wrestler Contest CHRIS BEAVERS and Vince says CHRIS BEAVERS’ name about 61 times when talking about CHRIS BEAVERS and his lunch with Tito Santana. We saw a lot of pictures of their lunch date. They went to the Hilton and he got picked up in a limo and he lives in Scranton. I’m very jealous of CHRIS BEAVERS.

Tito Santana v. Adrian Adonis (JIP)
Adonis is not yet adorable and his hair is as dark as his black trunks. We join the match with Adonis beating up Tito, nearly winning the match, but Tito starts coming back and Adonis is bumping around like a lunatic. I’m sure Scranton’s own CHRIS BEAVERS is excited about Tito taking it to Adrian. Adonis gets crotched on the top rope and then the bell rings a whole lot. Howard Finkel tells us it’s a time limit draw and then Vince tells us it was a 30 minute draw and I tell you that I want to see the whole match. Where does it exist? Put this on the Network guys. Please. I know you’re all reading this. All of the Network employees. I know it.

As Vince starts to kick to commercial, a burlap sack gets hurled into the set and Lord Alfred is SHOCKED. Vince concludes that Lord Alfred will read some of the mail later on and it may contain some letters from Britain. Alfred then says that if the postman delivered like that in England, he’d fire him immediately. Maybe Lord Alfred Hayes IS Britain’s answer to Idi Amin after all!

Mailbag
A person from San Francisco asks Vince if he was ever a wrestler and in the same breath asked for a picture of Tonga Kid.
“Never a wrestler, not big enough, not bad enough” – Vince K. McMahon, 1984.
A letter from Chicago has a person vaguely talking about the Road Warriors in the midst of political discourse. I can’t make that up.

From The Vault: Arnold Skaaland v. Joe Turco
“Joe Turko is the one with the hair” – VKM
A tuft of smoke rises up from a ringside smoker near the ass of Turco, and Vince makes sure to note it was smoke and not visible fart gas. God bless everything about this.
“In this day and age, it was macho to be a beer-swiller and a wench-chaser” – IDI AMIN talking about the difference in body types of older wrestlers and the current stars of the mid 80s.

As they talk in the studio after the film, they smell a very bad smell and Vince suggests it was Joe Turco’s fart from the many year old film footage. When they come back we find out the odor is from….

The Wild Samoans Cooking
Lord Alfred Hayes says the smell is like being hit by the Bubonic Plague. Alfred is AMAZING at selling how bad this smells. Facial expressions are top notch. The Samoans are ripping apart a fish. Afa cuts a piece of fish, gives it to Sika who puts it in a pot of boiling water and then adds CHERRY TOMATOES. Vince is trying like hell to make Alfred eat a raw fish piece with hot sauce on it. “Mikey likes it!” Good god what a time to be alive.

Coming back from the commercial, the Samoans are preparing lobster and fishtail stew I think. Lord Al tries to get Vince to eat, but Vince no sells it and claims he has a cold.

They finally all sit down and begin to try to eat a delicious Samoan meal, which Alfred claims would give a “large pussy cat” rabies which Vince visually pops for. This is the greatest wrestling show of all time.

The Wild Samoans v. Rocky Johnson & Tony Atlas (JIP)
Footage begins with the Samoans beating down Rocky Johnson with Captain Lou Albano directing traffic from the outside for the Samoans. Lots of trapezius holds. To be honest, I’m not really even in the mood for wrestling, that’s why I’m watching Tuesday Night Titans. As I finished that sentence, another trapezius hold was applied. HOT TAG ATLAS but the referee gets knocked down. Here comes Captain Lou with a wooden chair, he goes to hit Saba Simba but he moves and Captain Lou BRAINS Afa in the dome with it, and in 8 minutes and 22 seconds, Rocky Johnson & Tony Atlas become the new WWF World Tag Team Champions.

Guest: Captain Louis Albano
Vince is laying it on thick blaming Captain Lou for the Wild Samoans losing the tag straps and Captain Lou is genuinely speechless, which is amazing in and of itself. After a commercial break, Vince continues to play the blame game with Captain Lou, but the Samoans are no longer on the set and now Captain Lou has EVERYTHING to say about the situation, even calling the Samoans “CRYBABIES” among other things! Captain Lou and Lord Alfred then have some wonderful banter after Lord Alfred has some choice things to say about the situation.
“You don’t know of the southside of San Francisco” – said by Captain Lou to VKM during a tirade and I’m not so sure what that’s supposed to mean. I mean, I don’t really know of the southside of San Francisco either. Do I want to? Is the Rice-A-Roni better on the southside? Now I’m genuinely curious. Thanks Captain.

We then see a clip package of Captain Lou’s previous Tag Team champion combinations. Fuji & Tanaka, Moondogs, The Wild Samoans, and the Executioners are highlighted and then when it goes back to the studio, Captain Lou rattles off all 14 tag team champion combinations. I’m really impressed by that to be completely honest with you. Captain Lou then engages in a bunch of double talk and ends up claiming that he made that woman, Cyndi Lauper, and concludes by saying, “and I stress the fact woman, because what woman on her own has ever made it?” 1984, right?!

We then learn Captain Lou has a 157 IQ and a strong medulla oblongata. Vince needles Captain Lou about how much money he takes from his clients percentage wise. According to Lou, Cyndi should pay him 150% and the Samoans “do well” and have bought cars, like 1972 Chevys and motorbikes. 1972 Chevys, in 1984. I laughed.

Captain Lou is completely ridiculous and I could listen to him talk about nonsense for hours. God bless this man.

Panel Interview?!
We then go to this weird looking daytime talk show looking thing with Vince McMahon playing the part of Phil Donahue as he’s getting comments from audience members and I am just puzzled as to what the fuck this thing actually is. Some lady confiscates an apple from this one audience member who Vince was talking to and I’m still so confused. Vince is wearing a FANTASTIC suit. It should be noted the audience member is a black guy and Captain Lou tells him he’s going to make him shine his shoes later. Then the black guy flips him the double Steve Austins. Holy shit this is incredible television.
“You look like those two groundhogs my daddy used to raise.” – Audience member to Captain Lou
I am AWESTRUCK.

Stephanie McMahon’s Best Friend, Andre The Giant v. Three Schmucks (JIP)
We see Andre the Giant beating the shit out of some guys, including Johnny Rodz and Jack Evans. No, not THAT Jack Evans, but holy shit could you imagine THAT match?? Somebody invent a time machine and make that a thing.

Hulk Hogan v. Masked Superstar (JIP)
We pick up with Masked Superstar pummeling the Hulkster, but then we see him start to Hulk Up and then the clip is over. I’d love to see this full match though. 1984 Hogan was great and Masked Superstar was always a super worker.

Jimmy Snuka v. Greg Valentine (JIP)
Mean Gene made an absolutely incredible noise while on commentary after a middle rope headbutt from Snuka.

Iron Sheik v. A Couple of Bums
Iron Sheik gives these guys the suplex and makes them humble. Camel Clutch, break their back, significant lack of assfucking though.

Vince and Lord Alfred then sign off for this edition of TNT and what a first edition of any show this was. Things were said and things were done that would never fly in the modern era. A lot of people have a tendency to forget how wild and silly even WWF television was in the mid 80s as they were starting to become a powerful nationwide professional wrestling conglomerate. It comparison to today, it was much like the wild west in terms of what they were able to get away with. That’s exactly what I love about this show. It’s goofy, it’s campy, the personality of performers is able to get fleshed out and jump off the page… plus you get a few minutes of great wrestling here and there. I hope this encourages people to check out a production from the WWF’s early days (not counting WWWF and Capitol Sports, etc.) and see what things were like before it was an overproduced homogenized atmosphere.

-Emil Jay

Emil Jay is known in the professional wrestling community as the "Voice of the Indies". He has worked for some of the top Independent Wrestling organizations including Combat Zone Wrestling, Absolute Intense Wrestling, as well as a producer for the weekly live event Dojo Wars. He is also a co-host on our Piledriver Podcast where he lends his expertise, breaking down the ins and outs of pro wrestling. You can talk to Emil yourself by reaching out to one of his Social Media accounts:

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